Why Successful Women Struggle with Love
Love can be tricky with various unspoken rules and little control over the entire process. It can feel hopeless. You must let go and trust another person you don’t know to see what happens and that vulnerability can be painfully hard, especially if you’ve been hurt before. On the other hand, your career is a place where you can thrive. You can control your career, so it feels safe, and that’s why so many women throw themselves into work obsession, thinking that success will make them happy. It’s too easy to become inseparable from your job because you feel a responsibility, but also it can become your identity. We often hide at work instead of facing the other areas of our lives that need our attention. It’s easier to keep working than slow down and be with your thoughts. This is a trap I see successful women fall prey to far too often, and I fell into this category for some time. I understand having the drive and motivation to get ahead, and often our pain is what fuels us to want to prove to the world that we are worthy. The thing is, you were always worthy; you just didn’t know it.
"You can control your career, so it feels safe, and that’s why so many women throw themselves into work obsession, thinking that success will make them happy."
After graduating at 23, I already felt behind, and I spent a few years finding my feet which is entirely normal in your 20’s, but when I moved to New York at 27, I fell right into the work-hard-play-hard grind. I became obsessed with my career partly because I would have to make a lot more money to stay in the city, but I wanted to make something of myself. Friends around me would tire of hearing me constantly talk about work, and I could listen to people getting bored of me, but that didn’t stop me. I could hear myself on dates, and honestly, I had nothing else to talk about but work. It was my entire identity. I hadn’t gotten to know myself outside of the hustle, and there is nothing feminine or sexy about work chat. Although the problem in cities like New York, this is pretty normal behavior, I fell into a crew of career-driven people, and for some time while you’re building your career, this is ok. However, it can’t go on forever; the pace of working non-stop leads only to burnout and dissatisfaction. We need balance in our lives to thrive, but achieving that is hard for so many of us.
When I finally had my wake-up call, I was sick, depressed, single, and more alone than I’d ever been at 33. I let my job ruin every other aspect of my life, and my mental health declined. It never occurred to me what my self-worth was outside of my career, but on the verge of moving home to live with my parents, I realized something had to change. My imposter syndrome and an unhealthy work environment led me to seek therapy for the first time and prioritize my health. It forced me to look at every aspect of my life and figure out the root problems, and I had some significant ah-hah moments around my love life. I had been approaching my love life like I approached work; I didn’t know how to be any other way. I was a boss-ass bitch at work and in life! Part of this approach to life was from the deep and significant trauma I had faced in my teen years. Men had hurt me to my core, and I built up massive walls in response. I hardly ever showed any level of vulnerability, and if I did, it was only to the small group of people I let in. I was always strong, always in charge, I was in control. Looking back, it’s no wonder I was turning men off of a relationship; I wasn’t willing to be emotionally available in the slightest and like attracts like, so that’s precisely what I got in return.
"Looking back, it’s no wonder I was turning men off of a relationship; I wasn’t willing to be emotionally available in the slightest and like attracts like, so that’s precisely what I got in return."
A slew of unavailable men had tormented my life for almost a decade, and it wasn’t until I realized I was the reason I knew I needed to change. My emotional unavailability and masculine take charge energy attracted a type. I tricked myself into thinking that was my “type,” meanwhile, it was just my comfort zone, then when nice available men pursued me, they gave me the “ick” because they were unfamiliar and unsafe. Letting someone in would take vulnerability on my part, and my subconscious was not about to let that happen, so instead, I pushed them away, perpetuating my singleness. I continued dating in the masculine energy that I used at work and in life, and in the end, I always ended up doing the chasing. Why? Because when you sit in your masculine energy, you try to control, chase, pursue, and make things happen. As a woman, if you want a man to pursue you, you can’t BOTH be in the same energy.
I like to think of energy as a push and a pull or ying and yang. Regardless of gender, everyone has both masculine and feminine energy, and we use them at different times in our lives. We often show up as boss bitches owning our masculine and getting shit done at work. It’s also more comfortable for independent women to be in control and not “need” anyone. On the other hand, we also want masculine men to be a romantic part of our lives. If they are showing up in their masculine and so are you, all you are doing is pushing them away. There is no push-pull. Those two energies butt heads and fight for control. Often, there may be some serious sexual chemistry, but the harmonious relationship you want won’t happen. To attract and keep a masculine man interested, you have to sit into your feminine. I never used to understand feminine energy, and I was almost offended by the concept. I thought it meant I needed to dress girly and play ditz, which was not going to happen. It wasn’t until I researched this concept that I truly understood feminine energy. It wasn’t about how I appeared on the outside; it was about letting go of control, sitting back, and receiving.
"If they are showing up in their masculine and so are you, all you are doing is pushing them away."
Showing up in your feminine energy can be difficult when you’ve been taking charge for most of your life but trust that this is what a masculine man is looking for when seeking a partner. The best-case scenario is you find someone who can ebb and flow with you in both energies so you can each be in charge sometimes. However, initially, if you want the masculine man, you have to allow him to show up in his authentic energy. It’s your job to practice your feminine which will feel different. First off, you do not pursue; you receive his pursuit. Allowing this to happen will weed out anyone who isn’t serious because you aren’t chasing anymore. They have to show up and take action; your job is to set boundaries, standards and allow them to treat you like the queen you are. Don’t be afraid to speak your mind but accept his help or support. Men need to feel needed and valuable, so even if you can do it yourself, allow him to show you his affection by helping. Let yourself be vulnerable with him, share your feelings and needs; men are logical, but women have the gift of emotions. To attune your emotional bond, he may need you to show vulnerability is safe. Be your spontaneous and flirty self; the feminine is our fun. Your feminine energy is your nurturing side; that is what a masculine man craves.
When you commit to cultivating your feminine energy, things shift in your dating life. You no longer chase half-interested people. You will need to get comfortable with speaking your mind, setting boundaries and standards, so if that feels difficult, I suggest doing some journaling or internal work using my workbook “Heal to Love.” Sometimes we avoid speaking up from our previous wounds, and trying to be “the cool girl” who doesn’t care is not embracing your true feminine self. That is further repressing your needs because, deep down, you do. The divine feminine is not afraid of conflict. When all of this clicked for me, I was finally able to date differently, and I showed up in my feminine ready to receive. I had a few obstacles because breaking patterns is complex, but I stuck to it. Finally, I allowed myself to be pursued, own what I wanted, and for the first time, I found love. You will too. Go out there and be the amazing feminine goddess that you are.
