Shifting your mindset to find love sounds easy; just think these three things, and poof, you'll find love! I'm sorry to tell you it's a bit trickier than that. If there is one thing I am an expert at, it’s at being single. After experiencing a rocky beginning to dating that I share here and here, oh and here too, I was perpetually single for a few decades. I had a few short-lived relationships, but it was primarily decades of casual dating. I use the term “dating” loosely because it sort of bundles everything from talking, texting, one-night stands, friends with benefits, going steady, shacking up, flirting, or whatever it’s all called into one. Maybe I had more relationships than I realized, and our definitions were just different? I once had a guy tell me, “I broke up with him,” but I had no idea we were dating! I should clarify for this post, a relationship, by my definition, is when two people decide to be a monogamous couple. That means you have “the talk,” and it’s official, like updating your Facebook status, we are going steady. It took me a lot of trial and error, research, and therapy, but I cracked the code and finally found the partner I had been looking for in 2020. I’ve shared some tips on dating, which you can find here; trust me, I know how hard the dating scene can be, especially in a big city. The thing is, you will stay on the hamster wheel of dating forever if you don’t work on yourself first. In no way do I mean work on your physical appearance or attributes that make you seem like a better partner, like a better job, cuter clothes, or a bigger paycheck. None of that is what matters when you meet the right person. What does matter is your values, energy, and the vibes you are giving off. In hindsight, it all makes sense, and it wasn’t until I applied all three of these shifts that I could find the love of my life.
"What does matter is your values, energy, and the vibes you are giving off. In hindsight, it all makes sense, and it wasn’t until I applied all three of these shifts that I could find the love of my life."
Vibe is Everything
Often women don’t realize how important their “vibe” is when hooking a man. I was one of those women, and I learned the hard way that I could always get attention from men, but not the intention I was looking for (that’s a Matthew Hussey line, follow his IG for dating tips!) I used to be so proud that I nailed the first or second date like a job interview, and I was selling myself. Yeah, sure, that may have been fun for a date or two, but ultimately men could see through the facade that I was hiding behind. I was confident in my pitch, but in reality, they could sense my lack of self-worth. When you lack self-worth, you immediately start to accept less than you deserve without even realizing it. You ignore red flags, you make excuses for bad behavior, and you accept attention from the wrong types of guys because, let’s face it, you don’t honestly believe you deserve better. The tricky part is this lack of self-worth doesn’t sit up in our consciousness readily available for you to understand. It’s deep in your subconscious, and you have to go looking for it. If you find yourself getting ghosted, dating unavailable men, attracting f*ckboys, or flirting with low-quality men, I am talking to you. Deep down, you are on this loop because there is a limiting belief hiding, and you need to find it. Think about the trauma you’ve experienced in your life, how did you FEEL in those moments, and what did you conclude about yourself because of it. It’s not true, and you deserve to have a happy, loving, and committed relationship if that’s what you want. Once you truly believe that, you will only accept the treatment you deserve and nothing is sexier than a woman who is willing to walk away from ANYBODY who doesn’t treat her like the queen she is.
Choose Your Energy
You may not think about this whatsoever, but it’s essential to be aware of your energy. We can all embody both masculine and feminine energy, and we tap into this energy in different areas of our life. Some people lead with one vs. the other, but you can have both regardless of your gender. As described by Standard Media,” Feminine energy is more sensual, nurturing and warm. It is more collaborative, while masculine energy is associated with physical strength. Masculine energy is more logical and clear-cut while feminine energy is more creative and expansive.” Each energy has different qualities, but you will not have chemistry with someone who has the same energy as you. Often successful women find themselves in this trap, just like I did. I tend to lead with my masculine energy, especially when it comes to my career. The issue is when you want a manly man, you inadvertently turn that type of man away because it’s like two bulls butting heads. Masculine men want feminine women, and they don’t respond to you running the show. I found myself dating younger men, maybe because they were more forgiving of my bullishness, but I didn’t see myself with someone younger long term. It wasn’t until I discovered this insight about energy and I started to shift into my feminine energy when it came to dating. Here is an excellent article on using your feminine energy to attract a masculine man; she shares nine powerful steps ways to use your feminine energy, and I agree with all of them. No matter what energy you seek, you have to balance it out, so think about your approach and what type of energy you are putting off.
Set Your Non - Negotiables
I do not believe in the perfect man, and neither should you. He doesn’t exist, so get that out of your head, but when it comes to finding the right man for you, it is essential to have your list of the non-negotiables set. If you are looking to have fun, then I say let your freak flag fly and have fun with anyone who blows into your path. If you are ready for a committed relationship, you have to operate a bit more strategically. Creating a successful non-negotiables list should consist of the deal breakers for you to consider a long-term commitment or marriage, things like religion, values, family goals, morals, and life goals. Your list should be a hit list for you to follow, so keep it strictly to essentials. We can’t be writing every man off because he’s not 6’5” and a millionaire; that’s not realistic. My list looked like someone masculine yet respectful with no kids, as successful if not more successful than me, not religious, family-oriented, and looking for marriage. These were my non-negotiables, so when I finally started dating with this lens, I ONLY went out with people who fit these qualities because ultimately, I knew if they didn’t meet these requirements, I wouldn’t invest in them as a long term partner. If you date without this list in place and make excuses or accept qualities, not on your list, you may find yourself in love with someone who can’t make you happy, or you will continue to take on “projects.” I do not suggest ever trying to date a man with the idea that you can “fix him,” he probably likes how he is, and you will only end up wasting your time and his. It’s ok to have minimin requirements that are important to you because if you don’t see eye to eye on crucial topics, you are unlikely to make it in the long haul. Don’t invest your time in men who don’t meet your non-negotiables. There are plenty of amazing men in this world, and you want to be open for when the right one comes along, not giving that energy to someone with who you don’t see a future.
"Do not let anyone treat you like an option; the right guy will not risk losing you. I know that is cheesy, but it’s true."
Applying these three shifts is more complicated than it looks because it will require you to be 100% honest with yourself and put your future happiness first over momentary satisfaction. You have to find your self-worth and walk away from anyone who doesn’t treat you the way you deserve. You can’t listen to the bullshit from men who don’t want to commit; if he gives you ANY excuses as to why he can’t commit, ditch him immediately. Do not let anyone treat you like an option; the right guy will not risk losing you. I know that is cheesy, but it’s true. He should earn your affection, so follow those nine steps; trust me, they work. Find your feminine energy and embrace it, I used therapy to help me break down the walls I had built, but by finally letting go of control, I found someone I could let in. The most crucial aspect of finding a partner is that you will only find one once you’ve done the internal work and you are ready. The universe knows, so if you are on the dating hamster wheel with no love, quit pedaling for a while and spend some time working on yourself. Not getting fit or changing your makeup, I mean on the inner you, it’s so much more important, and you have all the vibe and energy you need. You just have to harness it.