top of page

How Your Mindset Influences Your Dating Life


How Your Mindset Influences Your Dating Life

I’ve spent the past decade of my life on a tumultuous journey not only in love but with my mind. I’ve shared my journey with self-help many times, and its influence on my life has been astounding. I’m constantly talking about books that have shaped my relationship with myself and how my life has shifted since I started to pay attention to my mindset, words, and beliefs. I was not very kind to myself growing up, and well into my 20s, I would talk poorly about and to myself. I struggled with confidence, and my self-esteem was awful. I fell prey to the unrealistic beauty standards for women and belittled myself for not being perfect. I felt behind and lost in life, and unfortunately, the men orbiting me only perpetuated my beliefs. If you heard how I spoke about myself and my life, you’d understand the anxiety and depression I struggled with. Instead of being my own cheerleader, I took every opportunity to make jokes at my expense. My self-deprecation seemed humorous, but it kept me from loving myself in any real way.


"I took every opportunity to make jokes at my expense. My self-deprecation seemed humorous, but it kept me from loving myself in any real way."

I share more of my story here, so I won’t go into detail but let’s say my it opened my eyes, and since then, I am unrecognizable to that pessimistic girl I once knew. None of that was serving me, and to become happy and prosperous, I had to let go of the limiting beliefs and challenge myself to grow. Doing this work has transformed my life, and it was critical to changing the trajectory of my romantic life. Now that I’ve been coaching for a few years, I recognize that old mindset in many of you. Maybe not in the way you’d think, but I can spot a limiting belief a mile away on an IG post or a Tik Tok comment. Limiting beliefs don’t stop at confidence or self-esteem. They can wreak havoc on your ability to process trauma, show up confidently in the dating scene, and on your likelihood of finding a healthy relationship. It’s time we talk about how these limiting beliefs are holding you back in love.


How Your Mindset Influences Your Dating Life

First off, it’s essential to understand that your words matter. No matter what you’re speaking or thinking, you’re training your brain to believe it. Think about the mantras you use or repeat in your life; we all have them, and sometimes we aren’t even aware of them. You picked up phrases and beliefs as a kid that your parents used. After being hurt or experiencing a hardship that stuck with you, you adopted beliefs. As humans, we are conditioned by the people closest to us and their views on the world. Our experiences shape and harden us, and our belief system is created with very little input from our conscious mind. That's why being mindful of the meaning behind your words is essential. You have to check yourself and wonder, IS THAT TRUE? We get stuck in thought patterns, and our brain likes to keep us there because it’s safe. Or so it feels. Your brain will not help you break out of your comfort zone; its core job is to keep you safe. And what is scarier than the prison of beliefs you’ve created? CHANGE. Our brains like consistency, even if it’s consistently bad. According to Asana.com, “A limiting belief is a state of mind or belief about yourself that restricts you somehow. These beliefs are often false accusations you make about yourself that can cause many negative results.”


"A limiting belief is a state of mind or belief about yourself that restricts you somehow. These beliefs are often false accusations you make about yourself that can cause many negative results.”

It’s important to understand that you probably aren’t aware of all of your limiting beliefs. They hide deep in our subconscious, and sometimes we don’t recognize them until we look for them. Last year I attended a Tony Robbins event, and like most life coaches, mindset work is a critical baseline to Tony’s teaching. He explained the different types of beliefs and how those show up in our lives. Global limiting beliefs are overarching beliefs about a person (yourself), people, topics, or groups of people. These limiting beliefs are all-encompassing such as:


“All men suck.”

“There are no good women.”

“Men can’t be trusted.”

“I am not lovable.”

“I am not worthy of being happy.”

“Relationships are impossible.”

“Dating sucks.”

“This is all I can get.”


Do you see the limitation of these comments? If you believe these things, how can you also think that the partner of your dreams exists? You can’t. That’s a conflict, and unfortunately, that conflict will hold you back. The second type of limiting belief is considered a rule, ie. IF…THEN… such as:


“If I go out on dates, I will be rejected.”

“If I let my guard down, I will be hurt.”

“If he doesn’t want to be with me, no one will.”

“If he likes another woman’s picture, he doesn’t love me.”

“If she doesn’t cook for me, she doesn’t respect me.”

“If I don’t sleep with him, he will leave.”

“If I communicate my needs, he will leave.”


How Your Mindset Influences Your Dating Life

Our beliefs support our values and push us towards something we want or away from pain. Unfortunately, avoiding pain usually wins. So, if you want to find a partner and get married, however, you don’t go on dates to avoid rejection; you’re valuing avoiding pain over going after the marriage you desire. What’s more important to you, avoiding temporary discomfort or getting what you want? Everything you desire in life starts here. It begins with your mindset, your beliefs, and your values. These three ingredients control your behavior, and understanding them is essential to moving forward in your romantic life. I suggest doing a few things to change your patterns to benefit your dating life/relationship.


1. Identify your goal and write out all the beliefs that pop up for you when you think about what you want.

2. Challenge beliefs that come up by asking, “IS THAT TRUE?” Most likely, it isn’t.

3. Create a new empowering belief that supports your goal.

4. Start using those new beliefs as mantras in your everyday life.


Pay attention to the beliefs and patterns in your life. Don’t let avoiding pain keep you from going after what you want. You have the power to push yourself towards things, like finding love, but not if your goal is to avoid pain. Your behavior is meeting your needs, but what need are you prioritizing?


Join my FREE community – The Next LVL Community and join us Thursday, 5/5/2022, at 7 pm EST for Cinco de Dating - How to Navigate the Dating World!



Recent Posts

See All
bottom of page